Dr Quaxo
by JellicleJuggalo
Summary: We've all heard of Mr. Mistoffelees' mild mannered alter-ego, Quaxo. But nobody really seems to know what his "day-job" is. Well, what if he was...A DOCTOR! R&R Plezz!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This one's a little more light-hearted than my previous efforts, and is my first attempt at writing humour. For a bit of context, Jemima is the secretary, and Jennyanydots, Jellylorum, and Quaxo are the various Doctors. Also, it changes perspective from third person to first person. Just a head's up. Enjoy! Or don't. It's your call, really.

* * *

It was a quiet day, the first one in Quaxo's recent memory. He noted that it was the first time since the last Jellicle Ball that he could find the time to just sit back and think to himself. But what to think about? Jemima had been asking him about his mate a lot, and he was tired of the whole "Asexual Reproduction" story. He decided he'd think about Queens then.

Let's see here...Bombalurina's recently single, but who knows how long that'll last, Jem's kinda cute, RIGHT, she isn't interested in toms, Etcetera can't think about anything or anyone who isn't Tugger...Wait. Who said my mate had to be a queen? I could stand being mated to Tugger. Rawr. Nah, I'm far too busy to experiment with my sexuality. You know who I could stand to see a lot more of, is T...

Suddenly, as if on cue, Mungojerrie burst through the door and into his office, hopping on one foot, and plummeted to the floor with a resounding "Thud".

"Ah, if it isn't my least favourite patient, Mungojerrie!" Quaxo noted, in his usual cheery tone.

"Oi! Haffsum respeck, woudja? Not only am I a payin' custama, but halfa' the staff 'ere are in my family!"

"Jem, do you care if I 'respeck' your brother?" Quaxo asked, not ceasing to smile for a second.

"Nope" she replied, without looking up.

Quaxo gave him a smug grin, and continued. "So anyways, what brings you here? You surely aren't here for the company."

"Well, y'see, yesserday I was jus', ah, moindin' my own buisness, in a forest, Rumples wazzere, ask her, and then suddenly POW! Shattered glass. Tons of it. Outah' bleedin' nowhere. Tha's exackly what 'appened."

"Exactly what appened. Right. So if I asked you where you were yesterday, would you tell me you had broken glass stuck in your foot?"

"Quit makin' funna moi accent! And...yes...that's exackly the prollem." he admitted sheepishly.

"Alright, I'll go get Jenny to take a look at it."

Contrary to Quaxo's plan, Mungojerrie didn't seem to quiet down once his Mother, Jenny took over.

"Mum! Quaxo was makin' funna moi accent!"

"Oh, I'm sorry dear. I'll have to have a talk with him about that, he's beginning to drive away patients. Did you know that Gus has stopped coming by to pick up his palsy medication? It's a good thing his daughter works here, or he wouldn't be able to move his hands at all! Now let's have a look at that foot..."

He propped up the wounded limb on the hospital bed, revealing a wound that was a lot more green than he remembered.

"My goodness! How did that happen?"

"Well, yesserday, while I was walking with Rumples, I acciden'ly stepped in broken glass, and I din't wan' you worried, so I just sorta tried to lick it clean, but that din't work." He stuck out his mildly scratched tongue, which may have been augmenting his usual accent. "An' then this mornin' i'was all green loike this."

"Oh my. If that's infected, we might need to keep you here for a while. I'm slightly concerned about how glass ended up in a forest, but..."

"Well don' ask me, 'cuz I dunno how it 'appened. It just came out of nowheah. It musta been Macavity."

"But there'll be time to worry about that later, for now we need this examined!"

Eventually, they concluded that they needed to operate, as the antibiotic medication was not quite doing it's job. Quaxo noted that during his sedation, Mungojerrie was quieter than he'd ever seen him before, and asked Jenny if he could anesthetise him more often. She said no. Eventually, though, he recovered, and went back to his daily routine of...not doin' anythin' suspicious. Roight?

* * *

A/N:

Jem: Hey, that wasn't very funny at all!

JJ: Yeah, sorry, there's not much funny about infected wounds.

Quaxo: And you didn't once reference that we're cats, OR that I'm magical! And you made me a total jerk!

JJ: Okay, I made you really smart at least! And you're a funny jerk!

Jenny: And why was my little Mungo acting so suspicious?

JJ: He's, uh, woozy from the medication!

Tugger: And why is Quaxo gay for ME of all people? And why wasn't I in this apart from a vague reference? I'm sure everyone's missing my beautiful face!

JJ: Get over it.

Macavity: Yeah, get over yourself, you drama queen. Besides, I'm clearly the sexy one.

Demeter: MACAVITY!

Anyways, I'm planning on doing one chapter of this for every horrible, depressing story I submit. Sorry if you like those, I'm still doing them, I just need to mix it up every once in a while. Hope you enjoyed the first chapter, R&R!

A/N 2: The Return of more information than anybody asked for

NOOO! Now my word count isn't an even 4000! :(


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm beginning to wonder if Quaxo has any regular patients other than Gus. Also, I am now accepting requests for the main "patient" character in the next chapter (because I'm almost out of ideas). And this time I'm trying to keep it 1st Person. But who knows how long that'll last?

Quaxo: Not very?

JJ: Shut up, you're not supposed to speak until the story starts.

Quaxo: Alright, fuehrer. *sarcastically goose steps away*

JJ: So anyways, R&R, but more importantly, enjoy!

* * *

Well, it looks like Mungojerrie took up my thinking day. Shucks. Well, I guess I can think at lunch. Whatever, I'll just get Jemima to send in the next patient.

Giving Etcetera her cough medicine, which was really mostly sugar and water, he showed her back to the waiting room, and called the next patient in.

Suddenly, Coricopat ran in, completely disregarding the tremendous lineup in front of him.

"Quaxo! I need to talk to you! Urgently!"

"But I need my palsy medication!" protested Gus.

"Don't worry, shakes. This'll only be a moment."

Quaxo then ushered Coricopat through the door. "Thank you so much for seeing me, I..." the psychic said, as Quaxo teleported him outside the building.

"Alright then, I believe Gus was next."

"Yes, thank you very much, I..."

"That wasn't very polite of you, Quaxo. Hasn't Jenny talked to you about that yet?" Coricopat said, strolling in casually.

"I'm sorry Gus, I assure you, this will only take a minute..."

"I'm never gonna get my palsy medication, am I?" the aging theatre cat lamented.

Once he was certain they were out of earshot, Quaxo lost his positive attitude.

"Coricopat, what in the fells is wrong with you? The agreement was that if you and your sister don't tell anyone about my secret identity, you receive free treatment. Line-cutting is not permitted by anyone who is not unconscious, dying, or preferably both. Would you like to be dying?"

"No, but this is an emergency..."

"What could possibly be so urgently wrong with you that you can't get an appointment and wait a half an hour?"

"Well, y'see Misto, the problem is, I've stopped hearing voices in my head."

"YOU WHAT?" Misto shouted.

"Well, you know how I..."

"GET OUT!"

"But I..." "NOW!"

At that, Coricopat vanished, appearing in his own den.

"No luck?" Tantomile asked him.

"Nothing. He says it can wait until I get an appointment."

"Wait...you didn't get an appointment?"

"Well, no, I..."

"No wonder you got teleported back here twice. You don't know how to manipulate him like I do. Watch and learn."

"So, as usual, take one a day, just before breakfast. Hope to see you again soon!" Finally, I get to move on to my next patient. At least this time he didn't find some horrific insult I applied to him, Bustopher never did take kindly to that kind of thing.

"Are you saying you want me to get hurt?"

Here we go. "Dad, I was trying to be polite and you know it." "No you weren't! Saying that you want to see me soon, while working as a doctor! I've never been so insulted!"

"Love you too, Dad," Quaxo called to his father, leaving in a huff.

"Alright Jemima, who's next?"

He didn't notice what she said, as at that moment, Tantomile strode in. Her brother wasn't too far behind, but seemed less in-sync to her than usual. Quaxo didn't notice though, he was just staring at Tantomile.

"Why hello, Quaxo. You seem well." she said, wrapping her arms around the stunned tom's waist.

"I um um I uh ah I..." Quaxo said, overwhelmed by the psychic queen's sudden appearance, and flirting. Obviously, she knew he liked her, but this was not something normal for her to do. Normally she just didn't react...

"That's great. Say, when's your next break?"

"Ah, ahem, uh, soon! Uh, yes. Very soon. Uh, um, why?"

"I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go hunting with me, down by the creek. You interested?"

"I, um, uh, sure, yes, of course! I uh, just need to, um, uh, file, some, uh, stuff. Yeah, uhh, important stuff."

"Alright then. See you soon!" she said, winking at him as she left, with a flick of her tail. "See Cori? How hard was that?"

"Well, I can't very well do that, now can I?"

"True. Even if you were a queen, that took a lot of practice. How was I, anyways?"

"Convincing. I noticed you were taking lessons from Bombi back while I could still...umm..." Hear your thoughts, he though to her, afraid to say it out loud.

"Haha, yeah. I knew that would come in handy some day..."

"WHAT? NOW YOU CAN SEE THE FUTURE?"

Normally, our hero would have been more suspicious, but he was just too happy that Tanto was finally acknowledging his love for her. So needless to say, he was somehow surprised when...

"Coricopat? What're you doing here?"

Tantomile smirked at him. So naïve. "Well, I suppose you've heard of my brother's recent ailment. You gave us these powers in the first place, just do what you did before."

"Oh cat. Well, gee, how can I explain this...I'll have to show you guys, otherwise you won't quite get it...In the meantime, about that date..."

"Romance later. Magic now."

"Aw, come on..."

"I know what you're about to say, and no, not that kind of magic. The kind that'll make Cori psychic again."

"Phooey. Can I at least eat before we go?"

"You can eat tomorrow. Magic now."

When they got to the old pipe that Quaxo called his home, they found a neat little den inside, with a bed, a table, and a bookshelf containing various boring, sciencey-looking books. Leading the psychic twins through, he pulled the bookshelf out of the way, revealing the secret passageway to his alter-ego's hideout.

Upon entry to the Magician's lair, there was very little different, but for a large cabinet containing Magical items, and the bookshelf containing magic books instead of science books. There were also faded geometric patterns criss-crossing incoherently over the floor, some clearly older than others.

"Now that we're actually here," Mistoffelees explained, "I can show you why it won't be so easy finding the spell. You see, my books don't just teach magic, they ARE magic. This wouldn't be a problem if they weren't so fond of organizing themselves."

"So what?" Coricopat interrupted. "The book isn't where you left it. It's still there, right? I think it was IIXVI or something, right?"

"Oh no" the magician continued, "It's not just the books that change. It's the pages within. Albeit the content rarely if ever changes, but it moves from page to page, and even book to book." To illustrate, he grabbed a random book, and opened to page eleven. He then closed it, and upon reopening it, revealed a completely different page.

"Well at this rate we'll never find it." Tantomile lamented.

"Well, it's easier than one would think. I just need to figure out their sorting algorithm."

"And how long will that take?"

"About a week, with the rate they change at." "A whole week? But...But...I can't hear the voices...It's driving me crazy...You gotta help me Quaxo!"

"Well, if you guys helped, it might not take as long."

And so they did. In the end, finding the spell only took the rest of the afternoon, which turned out well, as they work best the closer to midnight they are performed (as any experienced magical cat knows). Coricopat regained his psychic powers, yet once the ceremony was over, Tantomile had left.

*Meanwhile*

"Roight. Ah coase. Tha secon' oi step inna the lil' tom's room, the doctor vanishes. Now what'm oi s'posda do 'bout moi cold?" whined Mungojerrie.

"At least you can keep your paws still." grumbled Gus.

* * *

Quaxo: One paragraph in? You lost track of the perspective one paragraph in?

JJ: Whatever, at least you had an excuse to be a jerk this time.

Also, I'd like to give a great big thank you to Ravyn's Wing, Broadway Khaos, and Kristin-Kai-Lundy for reading and reviewing, as well as RumTumTugress, Loveydovey14, and Rawrrkitty for responding to my reviews and acknowledging me as a fan, and of course NekoSoda, just for being a genius at writing, even if you ignore me :(

Finally, to my loyal readers, as well as passing perusers and the occasional lost monk, I ask you to vote on how Quaxo and Tanto should end up.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: No, this has nothing to do with the overall plot of Dr. Quaxo. Enjoy, or don't, it's your call. Aslo, I would like to give an extra-special thank you to Ravyn's Wing for both inspiring this chapter, and as well for writing the prologue. That whole part in italics, for those of you wondering. 3U!

* * *

_Tantomile walked around the edge of the Junkyard, her mind shut off from her brother's. She just wanted to be alone. Nervousness and a sense of foreboding made her paws tingle. Just in time, she spun around and leapt out of the way of a dark shape that lunged out at her from the shadows. Tantomile barely had time to react before the shape, feminine at that, lunged once more. This time, the female attacker's fist connected squarely with the psychic's chin and cheek. Tantomile went flying and fell into a trash pile. She looked up with a hazy gaze, and gasped._

_The female had jumped into the air and sailed to her, the attacker's elbow crashing into Tantomile's ribcage. A few of the delicate bones snapped, which caused the mystic to scream in pain. But her shriek was muffled by the female attacker putting her paw - er... hand, over Tantomile's lips. _

"I want you to stay away from Mistoffelees. He's **mine**." _she breathed into her ear. _"Now, sit up, bitch." _the attacker whispered with such ferocity that Tantomile did as she was told, and regretted tuning out her brother for the night. _"Pray that we don't meet again any time soon. For I am the dreams filled with fright. I am the shadow that conceals the moon. I am the bird of the night."

_With that, the 'bird of the night' disappeared. Tantomile's vision was growing foggier. She slumped over and fell onto the ground. Just before her eyes closed, she thought she saw the shape of something; a bird or human or maybe a combination of both as it jumped off the highest junkpile and practically flew into the woods._

* * *

It was a quiet day. Quaxo was just wondering about his life, when (as usual) his tranquility was abruptly and thoroughly interrupted.

"Quaxo, cam kwick! Tanto's bin 'urt!" screamed the hysterical Rumpleteazer.

"What happened? Where is she?"

"Well," said Mungojerrie, "We was jus...ah...not doin' any..."

"JUST TELL ME WHERE SHE IS MUNGO!"

"Awright! We found her out back buhoind tha Junkyad, she luks loike she 'ad a foight! Do ya thenk it woz Macavitay?" inquired Rumpleteazer.

"It might've been, but we can't jump to conclusions. The last thing we need when dealing with a patient in critical condition is the Junkyard having a panic attack over Macavity."

"Or a Macavity attack ta panic ovah." Added Mungojerrie, unhelpfully.

"Mungojerrie, please go die. Rumples, I need you to help me find Tanto and bring her back here."

"Yessuh!" Teazer said, making a mock-military salute.

* * *

"Well, there's a few badly bruised ribs, and some major facial contusions, but overall, she should be up and about soon enough."

"So whod'ya thenk diddit?" Rumpleteazer asked again.

"Well, it doesn't look like a Macavity attack. He isn't this merciful, and is certainly a capable fighter. Plus, his attacks are very personal, he usually has some reason for attacking someone. Tanto and him never really had any huge conflict, not like some others, so we can pretty much rule him out. Then there's the fact that she seems to have been beaten with a blunt, fleshy appendage. The question is, who could it have been?"

It was then that Ravyn waltzed in, planting a kiss on Quaxo's cheek.

"What the fell?" said the magical doctor-cat thing. "You're not supposed to be in this story at all! JJ, I thought I told you to work with the canon characters! How did she get in here?"

"Beats me, I just got back from lunch. Oh, hi Ravyn. What're you doing here?"

"Just proving my undying love for Misto."

"Oh. Okay, that's cool, don't let me stop you."

"Wait a minute," said the sparkly one, "It was YOU, wasn't it?"

"Pfft. Oh please. You two were never meant to be together anyways. Right, Misto?"

"Why can't I have feline fangirls like Tugger?" lamented Quaxo to himself.

"Oh come on, you surely don't mind the attention" said JellicleJuggalo.

"Now look what you've done! At this rate, it'll just end up being the various writers of ! Mary Sue much?" said Nekosoda.

"I did not! Keep me out of your stories, you perv!" said a different Nekosoda

"But which one is the REAL one? Dun dun DUNNNNN!" said the incongruously inserted Spiderman.

"Quaxo, who are these people, why do they think you're that effeminate magician, and why aren't they Cats?" said the frightened and confused Jennyanydots.

"It's a very long story." said Quaxo, exasperated.

"Hey guys, do I get to be in this one?" asked the Omniscient Narrator.

"NO!" replied everyone in unison, including the unconscious Tanto.

"Screw this, oim goin' ta join a diffrent fic. Good bye!" yelled Rumpleteazer, followed by the rest of the cats.

"No, wait, you can't leave me! I need you!" said JJ.

"Goodbye, old friend. I will miss you dearly." said Spiderman, shooting me in the eyes with his webs.

"ARRGH! THE PAIN! AND SO ON AND SO FORTH!" screamed the blinded author.

"Ummm, so, I'm just gonna end this here for my incapacitated friend." Said Ravyn, ending this stupid chapter.

* * *

A/N: to any and all authors used, if you don't want your name attached to this, I can remove/replace your name. No, just removing the story isn't an option. Also, to my readers, this is what happens when I don't have a plot to work with. Please, if you have any suggestions, requests, or recommendations for future chapters, no matter how stupid, don't hesitate to tell me. It can't be worse than this.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks to Alexex, aka Quincy aka Bombalurina aka AWESOME for this idea. E-hugs!

* * *

It was a…You know what? No. *foghorn* this. I am not doing another stupid, *quack*ing intro where I describe what kind of *slide whistle*ing day it was. It's stupid, and lazy, and I QUIT!

"Well, looks like we'll have to do this without the omniscient narrator this time" said Quaxo, also known as me, as I assumed the role of first person narrator.

Just then, Etcetera burst in, an unconscious Rum Tum Tugger draped over her arms, and screamed:

"'M SORRIEEEEE!"

"Alright Cettie, calm down, and tell me what's wrong." I replied, trying to take control of the situation.

"HOW CAN I BE CALM WHEN TUGGIE BROKE HIS LEG!" she replied in my ear.

"Thank you. Do we need to fix his broken leg?"

"Yes please mister doctor Quaxo sir."

"Alright then," I sighed, blood possibly trickling down my ears. "I'll get a gurney for him to lie on."

And get one I did. However, as I placed the wounded bore onto the sterile bed, I heard a tiny little noise that sent chills down my spine.

It was Etcetera. "Is there any way I could help out?" she asked.

"Well, sorry, but I think I have this covered, I…"

"Do it, Quaxo, or she'll never shut up about it." Jemima reminded me, as her friend gave me the puppydog eyes.

"Fine" I said, knowing I'd regret it later. "Could you grab me some sedative? If he wakes up, he could be in incredible pain, and we wouldn't want that. Jem will get it out, I just need you to bring it to me while I wheel Tugger out of here. Do you think you could do that for me?"

"Or maybe I could wheel Tuggsie in while you get the sediment?"

She's right, I thought to myself, she'd probably trip and break it.

"You're right, maybe it's not quite suited to your talents" I lied.

"Yay!" squealed the incessant pseudo-stalker, as I grabbed the chloroform, eying it pensively.

I decided it would not be in my best interest to sedate Etcetera, as her mother would probably freak out. She's so sensitive. But I'll have you know, it got very, VERY tempting at times. For example, when I was setting the bone back in place, she wouldn't stop screaming "EEEW!"

Then, just as I finished wrapping up his leg, the door creaked open, and my worst nightmares came through. The. Entire. Fanclub. All. At. Once.

"Who said you all could come in here?" I asked/shouted the mass of screaming fangirls.

"Jemima!" Bombalurina piped up. "She said my Tugger was hurt, and you needed volunteers to help nurse him back to health."

Thinking quickly, I left without saying anything. What? I don't work well under pressure.

* * *

Once Jem saw me, she immediately burst out laughing. "Sorry, I just couldn't help it!"

"Well I can't just tell them all to go home…"

"I know! Isn't it hilarious?"

I very much disagreed, giving her something not unlike the face most cats make when they are being bathed.

"Jemima, if you don't figure out a way to get them to go away, I swear you are fired."

"Now now now, let's not be hasty. Who said that a mass of volunteers had to be an impediment?"

"Alright, fine. But only if you organize them, and take over as narrator." Quaxo said, evidently very tired of describing the events happening around him.

"I hope she knows what she's doing" he thought to himself, "I wouldn't want the Tugger's beautiful, sexy body to…"

"I thought no such thing!" Quaxo lied. "OK, that's it. I'm narrating again."

"You're no fun" said Jemima, a whole bag of twizzlers falling out of her mouth.

"I can't leave for 500 words without you two staring a fight? This is absolute rubbish. I'm taking over. Now stop bickering and get back to the story!" said the omniscient narrator, who is evidently Jennyanydots this time.

"Yes ma'am." Replied Quaxo and Jemima sheepishly.

"So, on that note, I'll wait outside and redirect patients while you clean up the mess you made." Quaxo scolded.

"Okay then. Have a nice break!" chirped Jemima. She then waited for the door to close, before saying something that you kittens probably shouldn't be hearing.

* * *

About an hour later, Jemima peeked out and told Quaxo he could come in.

"About time. There hasn't been a single patient in need of redirection! It seems most of them just go straight to Jennyanydots these days." Quaxo replied. I do have that effect on people.

Upon re-entry, he was surprised to find that just about everyone was set to working on something, and those who weren't were quietly awaiting instruction.

"This is amazing!" he said. "How did you manage…This?"

"I told them that if they weren't quiet, they'd have to leave, because they might damage his hearing. Everything else worked itself out after that."

"Maybe you aren't so useless after all."

"Thanks, I like to think of myself as not useless."

"Don't mention it."

* * *

A/N: Shorter chapter than the last three, but I thought it was pretty good. Also, prize goes to whoever can figure out what happened to Tugger before the next chapter goes up. Still accepting requests for cats to injure/sicken. Still accepting votes for how Quaxomile turns out.


End file.
